Oh I wish I brought that up!

So when I got settled in my second trimester after the anxiety, nausea and confusion of first trimester, I was trying to talk to my husband on many topics related to child rearing and also mentally prepare ourselves for parenthood. He is more of a free flow person and later I realized that works better conditionally. But before the baby arrived, when we discussed about the baby it was all around her upbringing, competitive or not, submissive or not, sportive? spiritual? or her food choices (I am a vegetarian and my husband is not).

But after the baby, we realized we were completely clueless about the first 2 months. I knew the no sleep part but we were caught off guard by so many decisions to be made. Here is my 2 cents of what could have been a better discussion.

Mother's recovery

I knew the birth process and prepared all along the pregnancy for that. I was very active and had been almost till the day my water broke. Prenatal yoga and sessions by my hospital, I thought I had it under control. But birth can be unpredictable. Vaginally or by surgery. C section moms will have difficulty for first two weeks as they cannot move and longer time at hospital. For vaginal delivery, if there is a case of perineal tear, depending on the severity, mothers will not be full ready to take on baby care. What I am saying is, having a plan on how to handle the unexpected birth situations will be useful as that's the first decision.

Baby stuff

I was lucky here as my husband did not pay heed to elders' advice to not buy baby stuff before the baby arrives. I bought few essential items like clothing and bedding in the last weeks of pregnancy and few other non essentials just after the baby's born. It will be a personal choice for new parents but atleast having a list ready helps.

Baby feeding

Breastfeeding help is given by most hospitals. Lactation consultants can vary in the temperament in my experience and nurses too. So asking the hospital ahead about the help you will receive and seeking external if needed would be good. Professionals are better than depending on elders in deciding milk supply, latching and understanding baby's cues. If in case, mother has challenges with feeding, be aware of usage of breast pump, they are costly, I didnt know this. Learn about how using pump can help in breastfeeding journey, pumping cant be just mother's part as there needs to be assistance for cleaning, storage and feeding baby which can be taken over by the dad. Best to decide if pumping will be part of your journey after baby comes and then buy, again its costly affair.

And if supplementing or using formula exclusively, the mixing, cleaning and feeding that comes with it can be shared by the dad. One important thing to be discussed is the mother's say in the feeding journey as she will be the most affected.

Baby growth

This one is sort of an extension and point of anxiety of new parents. So talk to each other if its an important thing for you guys if baby is not chubby. Pediatricians will usually see the growth pattern and be fine if the babies follow the same trajectory from birth. Giving formula does work to make the baby chubby but no real benefits if the mother's milk is adequate. So ask yourselves, 'what if my baby is on the leaner side?'

Sleep

I have been in a situation where it was just breastfeeding that is a sleep prop for the baby. But this was due to lack of knowledge. Getting knowledge about babies sleep and their awake windows could help in understanding baby's cycle. So for the initial weeks, they can stay awake for short periods only and better to get them to sleep before they become tired. Also, sticking to a schedule/routine helps the baby to settle in sooner. There are ideas online for good routines for infants. So even if the baby is sleeping most of the time, differentiate between naps and night sleep with lighting, place of sleep etc. Sleep props are many.
Breastfeeding/Bottle feeding

Rocking/Swinging

Music/Singing/White noise

Swaddling

Bouncing

Reading

Bath

You can use equipment like jhula or bouncer too. But people who can help the baby to sleep can't be many. So its best to decide who and how you will be handling baby's sleep. 'Where' is another point of contention. Co sleeping or crib or cradle? Do discuss on sleeping arrangements.

Bath

Another blindspot was this. I knew someone from my family would help with baby's bath routine or we will get help from outside but in Telugu households decisions like these are not taken before the baby is born as its considered a jinx. But I highly recommend to talk to your partner about this, who and how part as well. The traditional bath practices, most of them are not really safe for the babies, use of hot water, too intense of a massage and exercise or thinking baby crying while bath is normal. Oil massage is recommended, herbal powder/incense not mandatory as such and the baby lying on the legs is fine too. But gentler bath practice will make baby get used to water sooner and also they cry less to none. In my experience as well as few of my friends, mom handling the baby's bath helped in calmer. peaceful bath time.

Village

This will be such a delicate thing for the new parents. Setting boundaries is such a foreign concept in Indian households but trust me its needed for a simple first year of the parenthood. Discuss on who will be present during the birth as well as who will be visiting the baby during the hospital stay and days after. Decide on where the baby will be taken care of and who will be helping you with the infant stage. Be considerate of mother's comfort levels. Too many care givers will be a huge challenge, with too many opinions and judgements. Restricting to 1-2 helping hands allows the parents to a smoother transition.

The list is not exhaustive as there could be something unexpected. Most importantly, help each other. Partners should understand that mothers need help in coping up with their body, baby and surroundings. Mothers need to understand that partners could be more sensible during the early stages of the postpartum and rely on them for logical decisions.