Blindsided

Since I was a kid, I was very fond of babies. I had a cute little cousin when I was growing and I remember one day we were told she would be staying with us for a couple of days. I think she was 2 at that time. I had done everything slowly that day to pass the time. I would look at the clock every 5 minutes. I was dying in anticipation. That wasn't the first time I was seeing her or for that not the first time she was visiting. Mind you, it wasn't just her. I loved any event if I knew there would be babies I get to spend time with. Up until my delivery, I was still looking forward to weekends when my husband's niece would visit us.

It's the same me, that asked my husband when my daughter was 3 or 4 weeks old, "WiII I love her one day?"

I was terrified of her. I was a mess when she cried, she is a loud crier. I couldn't sleep alone with her. I didn't know how to pacify her. People around thought that I loved her too much and was so anxious about every little thing. That wasn't the case and only my husband and my sister knew that.

Now I can admit that as now I loved her to the moon, solar system, the stars or even galaxies and back. But back then I cried so much because I loved completely stranger babies on travel and couldn't love my own daughter.

Indians we don't talk. It's not a stereotype, it's a fact. It's as much a fact as saying Indians come in all shades of brown. We talk only about stuff that's allowed by our elders or society. It is hard to differentiate between those two for us. But we should talk about stuff as important as parenthood, especially motherhood.

So let's talk.

I want to talk about a few things that I was blindsided about and those that kicked me in the crotch as motherhood officially started.

1. Breastfeeding - Diving right in with the biggie. I know all that babies did was eat, sleep and poop. But for all of those they need the breast. It's the proxy of the mother's care for them. It's hard since that's all you do those first few weeks. And the hypothetical "low milk supply". Let's not talk about it yet as that could take hours. And the lactation consultants can drive you crazy about not using bottles, or introducing formula. So many positions, the headache of latching, the fear of formula and the pressure of exclusively breastfeeding. It's endless. Even from pediatricians. The conundrum of pumping is another mammoth. Why does no one tell you this? All the advice I received when I was struggling with breastfeeding from my family was, "Just lie down sideways and feed the baby" That solves everything. OK.

2. Sleep - Babies sleep even up to 20 hours a day. Oh yeah! Tell that to my newborn baby who slept like 10-12 hours a day and cherry on top, she wasn't gaining weight. The anxiety around her sleep was never-ending. No one could get her to sleep and it went back to the milk supply. A lot of things I understood myself later but then at the moment, I was clueless. Also this concept of active sleep, lots to talk about that. Babies will sleep apparently but you needed to soothe and help them sleep. 

People say sleep when the baby sleeps. I am ready for that. I don't need to contribute anything at home so I thought, for housework. But not knowing for how long she slept couldn't let me sleep.

3. Postpartum hormones - It's hard to actually spot this since your identity is a crazy woman after becoming a mom. You can feel it, that's not me. I don't know what's happening to me. I want to be normal. But others, they don't seem to get it. Some people who can read, say postpartum depression but likely not, since depression can't be diagnosed by mood swings, irritability and anxiety alone. Moreover, if you are married to a stoic person (like me), your "craziness" is doubly highlighted. You forget how to chill and no one actually can help with the situation.

4. Holy mother - So when I was pregnant I was cautious, to keep it mildly. I was always on guard, when my husband asked why, I said, "Now, I am solely responsible for this one, but after delivery, you all will be there and then I can be relaxed. He didn't know any better, he believed that. Only once into parenthood, I realized mom is everything. They really need just Mom. All they knew was her and that's all they will connect with. It doesn't matter how exhausting that is after 9 months of pregnancy and a couple of days of terrible birth story. You are still the only thing the baby needs.

Parenthood is very different for us from our previous generation. In many ways, it is worse with the constant scrutiny of doctors, new research, social media and global exposure. Moms trying to figure out the new role turn to Google or other content but that just builds up anxiety and nothing else.

We should talk about motherhood, the struggle that is openly and without a lot of judgment. I am just starting as a mom, there's really not much that I learned. But I will find ways to get somewhat non-conflicting but definitely genuine content from other moms and professionals. There will be no advice here because no one figured it out. It's a game of trial and error, endlessly raising these tiny humans.